Being Home

Well here I am lying here sleepless again at 2:00AM. I am still trying to get a hang of this whole blog thing. It would be nice to put some actual effort into some of these and make some topic centered post. Instead I am going to kind of brainshit them out and then see what color they are later. I suppose this post is going to have a bit of a topic, being at home.

I've been here in RS for a week and a few days now and it is starting to drive me a bit crazy. I like coming home and seeing family, but my lifestyle has changed a bit and it is hard for me to get motivated to do anything here. I came thinking I have all this time w/o the distraction of crazy roommates or of my beautiful girlfriend and will be able to get allot of things done that I have been pushing off. The distractions of the crazy roommates and of the girlfriend will have to be a later post. I was going to earn some money ( I am starting to build horrible debt ), get organized( always a challenge ) , fix my car ( turns out to be not really possible), work on the rocky site ( for some reason my motivation is low ) , and prepare for the next semester of school ( this one was not very good and I do not want to go through that again ). Now I have done a little of all of these things, but there is just not enough time, and/or motivation.

I guess I don't really know where I am going with all of this except to like I said brain shit everywhere. Today for instance I got in some cleaning and actually got some of my stuff organized, this felt good having been her for a week and finally getting this at least partially done. Family gets here later umm today, it is past midnight , so the cleaning/organizing I did was focused at getting my stuff out of the way being that I don't have a room here and am living downstairs on the couch. I have not yet however gotten rid of any of my things, that by the way was part of what I had wanted to do with organizing. I want to get rid of some of my stuff because it is becoming a hassle to manage and I want to have a small footprint when I have to move out of my dorm room this summer. I am a horrible messy person for some reason and it is getting annoying. This is a strange thing because my Dad and one of my brothers is very very organized and clean. Ok that may be a bit of an overstatement but they are way better of than me. Which brings me to the much bigger issue of which I was sure I was going to get to eventually in this ever growing post.
Going home is intimidating because I always feel inferior to my Father and my brothers. I am the first born son and as such naturally feel that I should be at least a little better than my brothers. They are all so good at their passions. Whatever they do the do right. Now because I have at least a little self respect and because my Dad did the best he can, I think that I have a little of that in me too, but it seems to show so much more in my brothers.
I am going to refer to my brothers by number because I'm not sure putting there names out here is the best thing to do. My brother just under me (#2) is amazing. He is popular and fairly annoying because of it. However this hasn't made him into one of those uneducated jockish assholes. Sure he acts it sometimes but when you look at the things he is doing you realize it just isn't so. Here is some background my Dad all our lives has had projects for my brothers and I to do. I started with my grandmothers house and our own, where we would work inside and out doing chores and improving on the properties and vehicles. We have cut and hauled wood, done many repairs on cars and trucks, moved gravel, roofed houses, built decks, put up drywall, put gates in fences, planted trees and much much more. Well you see for me this stuff always seem like chores and awfully hard work. Not to say that I am not glad for the experience and was not proud of the work we had done, it just never interested me that much. My brother however #2 really got into it. He wants to go into construction management and is a damn hard worker. The projects I was talking about grew from being merely the house and grandma's house and became my Dad's office and then rental houses. It became this thing that entranced my brother and now he refers to the current project house as his and also calls most of the tools his. As part of my wanting to earn some money and because I like to help with our projects have helped a bit with this house and instead of my Dad telling me what need to happen my brother is running around being the foreman and managing how everything in this house goes together. It really is amazing to watch. He does a bit of everything leaving the most mundane to the rest of us. This is to prepare him for his profession. He is a high school senior. I envy the chances that he has created for himself. At the moment he is taking calculus, a construction class where he pretty much runs the show, college level English classes and physics. All of this just amazes me and to be honest his drive inspires me. I am very jealous of his opportunities. He does however, being my brother, really tick me off sometimes. I feel he gets way to cocky and being popular feels that he has to act certain ways. Me and him really clash when I am home for more than a weekend. I feel like a failure compared with him.

Anyway it is now three and I am starting to feel the time. Later today if I find the time and inspiration I may talk about my other 2 brothers, one of which just created a myspace music page and let me tell you it sounds unbelievable. The kid is really getting good. His love for music is unquenchable and his skill is hard to believe for a kid only the age of 16.

First Post

It is nearly 1:00AM and I cannot sleep. This is a problem I frequently have and I think it may be related to messing around with the computer. Anyway this is the first post of yet another blog. Maybe this time I will actually do some writing in it. The blog should be truly random organized only by tags. I will talk about my travels, computer science, tech, life, school, everything. Hopefully this will be a good place to dump my thoughts however few. Maybe something good will come of it. Anyway I am either going to start working on a post with some specifics to it or I am going to go to sleep.