Uncertainty

There is nothing worse than not knowing where you stand and if things are broken if they can be fixed. I partially unwantingly purchased a overpriced round trip ticket to go see my now ex-girlfriend who I have kind of been fighting with for about three months on an issue that of course I am absolutely right on :). Anyway, I actually manage to get excited for this trip and leave with the intention of making things right and re-falling in love, if thats what it was, with her. As I get off the plane and see her that is what happens, I decide that this week is hers and I want things to be perfect. Well that night she is crying and telling me that she may want to “pretend” to be single for awhile to make sure I am the right person. Translation, She wants to see other people and we are over. Yet she insists we are still together and not to give up on her. So the rest of the week she refuses to be close to me much. I am to pretend to be a friend and not want to shower her with hugs and kisses etc. I see the other guy that she is gawking at and think that he is a complete asshole. Turns out he smokes and is the one who got her into drinking. I used to get in trouble from her for merely having a beer. And yet she says she loves me, hence the uncertainty. I should have known, looking at it now, but its too late. I spend a lot on her that week, financially and emotionally. I am still paying for it. All because I thought I could save it, thought that she was uncertain too. Uncertainty is the worst feeling. It is even worse than the feelings I'm having now that she is gone.